Tina (all
names changed for anonymity) is 40, a housewife and mother
of three. She is the "team mom" for her son's Little
League, the room mother for her first grade daughter, and
takes her older daughter to dance class three times a week.
Her friends look to her for tips on her organization. They
think she is amazing. But Tina feels incompetent and overwhelmed.
In spite of her good image, she has to ask her husband for
every dime and for permission to go out. She struggles with
his lack of cooperation around the house. After dinner he
naps while she does the dishes and checks the children's homework.
On weekends he plays golf, leaving her alone with the children.
He tells her she should be grateful for having a husband who
doesn't "fool around" and that she should stop complaining.
He has hit her twice when angry. Her friends would be surprised
to find out how unhappy she is, and that she feels worthless
and trapped.
Sara, age 22, grew up constantly hearing her parents tell
her, "You're do dumb. You'll never amount to anything."
Consequently, Sara believes these messages and her life reflects
it. She barely finished high school and has a minimum wage
job. Although she dreams of being married, she has difficulty
maintaining a relationship. She is unhappy, and feels she
has no real future.
Rita graduated from college despite growing up hearing that
she was "selfish and lazy". She has spent her 38
years trying to prove she is a good person. She has worked
for the same company for 17 years. She gets good work evaluations,
but not the raises she deserves. She has been bypassed for
promotion several times. Her boss "teases" her by
calling her derogatory names, and when she reacts, tells her
she can't take a joke. Rita is unhappy, and doesn't know what
to do about her situation.**
Tina, Sara, Rita and many women like them, receive critical,
false, and harmful messages about themselves from people who
are significant in their lives. As a result, they believe
that "ungrateful", "dumb", "selfish",
or other pejoratives designed to shame them into compliance
are true. Consequently, each feels unhappy and helpless, blames
herself and feels unable to change. They are living out their
lives according to the negative messages they have heard about
themselves. They fail to understand that these messages are
not accurate, but rather are harmful and are used to control
them, to "keep them in line". So each suffers from
low self-esteem. In turn, this low self-esteem further limits
personal awareness, growth, and the possibility to have a
better life. Change is possible, and each of them deserves
better. Increasing their self-esteem can be the catalyst to
such positive change.
Self-Esteem
What is self-esteem and why is it so important? Can you do
anything to improve your self-esteem?
Self-esteem is one of the most essential ingredients of life.
Your level of self-esteem affects everything you do, whether
in work or in any of your relationships.
William James, one of the early researchers of self-esteem
(1892) explained that our self-esteem improves when we are
successful in areas of life that are important to us. A few
years later, another researcher, C. H. Cooley (1902) added
that the social forces in our lives affect our self-esteem
either positively or negatively.
Linda Sanford and Mary Donovan in Women & Self-Esteem
(1984) define self-esteem as part of the self-concept. They
reflect the definition of major self-esteem researcher, Rosenberg
(1965), when they comment, "The self-concept or self-image
is the set of beliefs and images we all have and hold to be
true of ourselves. By contrast, our level of self-esteem (or
self-respect, self-love or self-worth) is the measure of how
much we like and approve our self-concept" (p. 7).
Nathaniel Branden, in the Power of Self-Esteem (1974), echoed
the voice Coopersmith (1967), another major contemporary researchers
on self-esteem. Branden says self-esteem is "confidence
in our ability to think and to cope with the basic challenges
of life; it is confidence in our right to be happy, the feeling
of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and
wants and to enjoy the fruits of our efforts" (p. vii).
Society's Role
Self-esteem is more than just a self-concept. It reflects
the society in which we live, and the value that society puts
on individuals in general and women in particular.
Historically, women have been considered as less important
than men. It is no wonder, then, that many women suffer from
lower-self-esteem than men. The 20th century, perhaps more
than at any other time, has illustrated this fact. Two major
women-oriented social movements underscored women's lack of
importance and introduced needed change. Through the first,
the Women's Suffrage Movement, women received the right to
vote on August 26, 1920. As a result of the second movement
in the 1960's - 70's, the Women's Movement, women gained more
status and rights. For example, many women remember the difficulty
they had obtaining a credit card in their own names, or buying
a home as a single female. Now their daughters take it as
a given. However, women as a group still suffer from injustices
that affect they self-esteem. Gradually some of these inequities
are being corrected as we recognize and identify these problems
and speak up.
Recent events may point out some of these problems more clearly
than ever before. Chief among these concerns are those related
to variations of sexual abuse. In particular, sexual harassment
in the workplace and spousal abuse have been brought to public
attention though high-profile events in the media.
Debates about these events illustrate differing opinions
and even confusion about abusive and violent behaviors. Some
people still tend to blame the victim, to think she may be
exaggerating or may have "asked for it" so the abuse
is therefore somehow justified. However, others are recognizing
and addressing the depth of the problem and are taking action
to bring about change.
As these problems are corrected, and as women are able to
contribute more equitably and to be taken more seriously,
their self-esteem will improve. Meanwhile, Tina, Sara, and
Rita are learning that their lives are important and meaningful,
that their concerns are valid, and that they have a right
to be heard and to have their needs met.
Tina's growing unhappiness led her husband to understand
that some change was necessary if their relationship was going
to survive. They went to a couples' relationship group which
helped them to recognized some of their difficulties and to
communicate more openly about their problems. They are working
to improve their relationship and to make it not only survive,
but thrive.
Rita finally had enough. She had to face the fact that the
treatment she received at work was contributing to a deepening
depression. She knew that she had to get out, even though
she had no idea how marketable she was or not. Although afraid,
she did leave. It was not easy. She had to recover from her
depression and look for new work. Meanwhile, she sought counseling
and learned to challenge the false, negative messages she
had grown up hearing about herself. She now understands that
she is a person of worth with a talent for helping people.
At age 43, she is enjoying a new life as a teacher. Her spirits
have never been better. Her self-esteem is soaring. "What
a difference," she says, "I didn't know I could
be so happy."
Sara still doubts herself, but she is working on it. She
is taking classes at the local junior college and is surprised
to find out that she can do the work, and that she even gets
good grades.
It is possible to change, to raise your level of self-esteem,
and in doing so, to open the doors for a better life.
* Reprint of an article published in the magazine, "Your
Family's Health" (June 1995)
** The names and some details of the women's lives in this
story have been changed to protect their anonymity and to
retain confidentiality.
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